id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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