dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
