I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
