My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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