I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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