I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
