you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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