We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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