Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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