cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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