my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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