pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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