I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
