Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
