This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Too much gin, very little bucket
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
