My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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