I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
