I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
