I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
