he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
