How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
