I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
