I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
