We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
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