rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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