I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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