you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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