a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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