I would go down on you faster than GM stock
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize