I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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