Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
