Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
