i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
