I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
