Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
