advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
