I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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