At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
