Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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