He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
