Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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