I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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