He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
