Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
