just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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