You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
