Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
