i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
