i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
