Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
