I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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