my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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