im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
