Small penises have feelings too.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
