she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
