Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Is it penis luge time yet?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
