Please, let me fuck your mom
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
