their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
