Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
