if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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