My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
