Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
