I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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