I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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