i think my tv is drunk
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
