You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
