is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
