mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
