I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
