If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
