Betty ford says i'm here all night
Your dad touched me again.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
