Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
