Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
